Mask of Illusion

Do you ever feel like you’re not good enough, not the person you thought you were because others appear to perceive you differently. Question yourself everyday, why aren’t you good enough, why aren’t you more intelligent or more beautiful – yet all you seem to do is try and be more. 
I battle this in my head daily. I try to smile and make people believe I have everything together, wear clothes to fit in and wear the makeup to try and make yourself feel more attractive. On occasion I even trick myself, some days I honestly believe I have it all together and that life is actually looking up. Everyday I try to be the nicest person I can be, I’ve been on the receiving end of cruel people and never would I allow myself to be like them or to make others feel the way they have made me feel! I truly try to be the best mother, friend, girlfriend, sister that I could be yet it appears I’m not quite who I think I am. 
We’re all human and we all make mistakes; these mistakes enable us to grow and through the growth we become better but somehow I feel like I’m missing something. Relationships from the past and present are broken through my own faults, as if I’m drawing up the negative in my subconscious. Someone close to me once said when they met me they could sense a dark ‘aura’, that when they looked in my eyes it was as if I needed rescuing well I suppose this is my cry for help.
I have a lot of demons in my head many that I try to hide, many I deal with regularly in my nightmares and maybe the mask I thought I wore well is cracking. Maybe I’ve just met people that truly care and can see past it but I don’t know how to be better. The support I don’t know how to accept or use, my walls just make me defensive. People say that a positive mindset will change your life and I honestly believe that but creating that change is near impossible. The Angel and the devil in my head are at war and unfortunately the devil holds the upper hand still. 
Don’t get me wrong I am one of the luckiest people in the world and I appreciate the life I have. I have a beautiful daughter, home, friendships, family and relationship yet I am unable to be comfortable or happy within my own head or skin. I go to the gym to escape, to make myself see that I am strong but it doesn’t make me love myself. I look in the mirror and feel disappointed. I try to make women see that beauty is within and that is my honest opinion yet when I look at myself I don’t see a beautiful person. I just see plain old me, nothing special. On the upside to this I work extra hard to make sure my daughter never grows up with these body issues which I know is not something I can control but I’ll work my hardest to prevent it. She will know her worth and that it does not stem from her appearance.

 I am opinionated and passionate about many issues and I’m not afraid to voice that, maybe to the detriment of others feelings sometimes but that is my method of communication. My passion shows as aggression but I am as far from aggressive than is possible! It’s the way I was built and I do not know any different, getting others to understand that is hard and I’m a very closed book. It is a trait I am trying to change, I want to be more open, inside my head I’m screaming to let it all out but in afraid. Afraid that if those people I love dearly saw me the way I see myself that they would run a mile, I wouldn’t blame them.

All I can do is try to be more, to fight the battle against myself and hope that one day positivity will overcome the negative but until that day I guess I need to paint the mask a little thicker!

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A Long Road Travelled

The journey to finding love is a particularly difficult one; you meet many people along the way, some good, some bad and some damn right ugly but each and every person allows us to grow. Every relationship we have whether long or short, serious or casual teaches us lessons that help us along the road we travel to find that one true love. A love that many may not believe exists, a love that will hold you so intensely that you’re afraid to let it in but somehow cannot let it go. 

Love is an emotion we deal with everyday, love for our family, our children, our friends but the feeling of love for somebody who could be your partner is a completely different emotion. The line between love and lust is blurred in many cases, it’s easy to believe you are in love with someone that you are attracted to physically, the ability to have a physical relationship with another is too commonly shown constitute love. Love is much deeper than anything purely physical could ever be; it is a connection from within, the connection of two minds and the bond created between two souls.

We are living in a society where relationships are short term, we throw each other away like we do our rubbish. The bond of marriage very rarely holds true like it did in generations before us; until death do us part, to me means forever, or at least you fight for the love you had to even consider a marriage in the first place. It is rare to find a couple that truly love each other and when you do its blindingly obvious, there’s something beautiful that surrounds them, an aura that you cannot dismiss and it warms my heart to find these souls. 

Nonetheless, these souls have had their journey, whether it took less time for them to find their mate or if they searched,what felt like a lifetime, to find them, the fact is their worlds were bought together. There is no explaining how or why but they were and whether you believe in soul mates or not, sometimes you cannot find any other reason than it was meant to be. I feel this has happened to me, I’ve felt heartbreak along the way and I’ve caused heart break on that journey too but finally I feel something much deeper than before.

Maybe the connection comes from the distance that keeps us apart everyday, the fact we do not have the ability to have a physical relationship all the time has allowed us to truly love the deeper aspects of ourselves, whatever it is has changed my life. I feel something I never felt before, a feeling so terrifyingly strong that sometimes I’m afraid to let him in; the wall I’ve had to build so strong has slowly been broken down and I am afraid. Afraid that something will pull us apart as hard as its bought us together, thankful that perhaps I can love without fear of heartbreak for a lifetime. Finding this bond has by some miracle set me free, allowed me the strength and confidence to be my own person by knowing I have somebody ready to pick me up if I’m knocked down. 

I am truly grateful to have been blessed with such a presence in my life but I do not understand why this person came to me when they are so far from my physically; it is a battle we both fight daily and some days it just becomes too much to handle, my coping mechanism is to shut down, build that wall straight back up and I do. The paranoia from past journeys sets in some days over trivial things, stupidly inadequate reasons that should never even cross my mind. Fortunately, the love I feel, the happiness he brings me overrides all of the negatives, the physical distance between us can never beat the love we are growing everyday. 

I suppose what I’m trying to say is never give up, all aspects of life will have good times and bad, the relationships we hold throughout life will come and go but when they are real you will know not to let them go. All the anxiety, heartbreak, upset will make sense when you find ‘the one’, they may not be who you were searching for, who you envisioned your life with but they will be better, better than anything you could dream about. Love truly is a long road travelled but when you reach the final destination you will never look back ❤️

Perfect Demons

There is no such thing as perfect. We are lead to believe that there is a perfect life we can strive for that is seen in movies and read in books but it is fictional. Don’t get me wrong it is a lovely idea that we will find our prince charming and be whisked away on the white horse to a beautiful castle with everything you dreamed of but how many people truly want that. Where is the adventure in perfection; where would your sense of achievement be if everything you did were easy; how could you learn to truly love if everyone was the perfect being. Now that to me is not a perfect life. Life is about living. Learning from your mistakes and working hard to get where you dream of being. I’ve come to realise that the hardest part of life is finding your true happiness and the first step is finding peace with yourself. We grow up with love and hate, unfortunately, hate seems to prevail in many cases and true love appears rare in this generation but it does exist!

For years now I have had a battle within my own head about the way I look, I am a massive hypocrite in a sense as I preach to women that there is so much more to beauty than your outer shell, yet in my head I battle with self loathing and disgust; a feeling that was bought out through my past, something I work at everyday to erase, to forget and even somehow try to forgive. We should not allow any other human to affect our minds in such a negative manner. Now believe me when I say that I truly understand this now and it is something I am trying to live by everyday. It is a struggle and the power of the mind is overwhelming at times; there are days when I wake up with such an overwhelming feeling of positivity and then there are the days when all I want to do is hide from the world. I am a mother and no matter how strongly the negative thoughts possess my mind, I get up! I get up because I have a tiny, innocent being depending on me, this is where I am thankful for the struggles I go through as it drives me to ensure that my little girl never feels this way. Everyday I make sure I tell her she is beautiful. I ensure that she picks up a book and she enters the magical world of fiction and allows herself to enjoy life. Nobody can break the bond we have, the bond that keeps me going no matter how much I want to disappear.

These issues I have with myself are not something I open up about, there is a smile that I hide behind, a smile that I hope will brighten someone’s day that may be feeling like I do. I am not broken, I do not allow myself to be, I will never allow that person to break me to do so would be letting them win. The only person that can control your life is you; find the strength to get out of bed every morning, allow yourself the ability to love yourself, love your flaws as they are the most beautiful parts of you. We all have a past and everything that we endure is sent to strength our minds, our souls and our hearts. Everyday I work on finding the ability to love myself and slowly it is shining through, I know this because I have found a love for somebody recently that I only dreamt I could find; they have opened my mind, heart and soul and for the first time I actually feel free. Free of demons that haunted me for a long time, this person has somehow freed my mind of negativity, given me a feeling of security and love I did not know could exist. I do not strive for a perfect life, I do not believe that perfect exists but I do believe in happiness and finally I am feeling it.

All Judging Eye

Becoming a parent is the most incredible experience many people will have in their lives, the feeling of holding that little bundle of joy for the first time is unexplainable. However, there is no way to explain the impact that something so precious and small can have on your life, your relationship and even in some cases your mindset. Whether it is your first baby of your fifth, as we all are, every one is completely unique; every pregnancy, birth and baby are, generally, completely unique experiences; there will be ups and there will be downs; some parents are complete naturals and to others it is completely alien but that is OKAY! There is no right or wrong when it comes to raising a child, to an extent obviously, but there are far too many people that feel they have the right to judge a parent on their way of parenting. Unfortunately, these people are usually not random passers by but instead close family members or friends, many of whom have not got children themselves but have read in a magazine, seen on the TV or been told by someone that there is a better way to parent. It is saddening to think that as a society we hold so much negativity in our mindsets that we constantly feel a need to judge rather than praise the actions of others. All a baby needs is love, food and a warm place to sleep; they do not care if you breastfeed or bottle feed; use disposable nappies or reusable ones; if they sleep next to you in bed or in their cot and the list can go on and on. Yet, whatever you decide to do, that suits your lifestyle and your baby, will never be right in someone’s eyes. Unfortunately, we allow ourselves to question our abilities due to these idiotic opinions when really we should be thankful that we got through another day on 2 hours sleep!! Your baby will not grow up thankful for the designer clothes it wore, the expensive formula you gave it, the amount of toys they had; they will be thankful for the love you gave them and they will cherish on the time you spent with them, merely showing them attention is more than enough for any child and unfortunately a luxury that too many children go without. These judging eyes do not see the sleepless nights, the countless nappies you change, the tears you shed from the agonizing pain you are go through while starting to breastfeed or the silent breakdowns you have regularly thinking you are not good enough as a mother or father! It doesn’t matter how strong you were before you became a parent, there are very few of us who can honestly say they are not affected by their ability as a parent being questioned; no matter how big or small the criticism it will hit you like a bus. There is no way of changing that and people will always have something to say but it is so important that we find the strength to say, actually no, I am doing what is right for me and my child. Forget the negativity and spend everyday being thankful for the beautiful miracle that you have sat in front of you. Have confidence in your ability and believe that you truly are an amazing parent!

Destructive Beauty

I am saddened everyday by the words I hear spoken by the most beautiful people in my life; the people I see as beyond beautiful both inside and out yet they are unable to believe in themselves. These people inspire me with their strength but they are unable to see what I see; beautiful hearts, souls and minds and that’s after the physical beauty they were blessed for us to admire. Without them I do not know how I would have gotten through the hard times; they inspire me to continue, to be better, to never give up and I only hope that I can give back to them half of what they give me daily.

The meaning of beauty has been distorted over the generations and we are continuously shown an unrealistic, misguided idea of what it is to be beautiful; the media controls our lives whether we wish to accept it or not and the people we are supposed to look up to are not shown in a true light. The photographs we see in magazines are, in the majority of cases, edited to unbelievable proportions; the stories we read in the newspapers are always twisted to make them more readable; the programs we watch are ‘enhanced for our entertainment, not even reality TV is reality anymore, yet we allow ourselves and our children to believe that these constitute to the way to the perfect life.

We all think we want to be as beautiful as Beyonce, have the body of a Victoria Secret’s body or the abs of Calvin Klein model but the truth is how happy do you think these celebrities, models, millionaires truly are. We are told what is perfect but is it really; the most beautiful people, both male and female, can have the ugliest souls and that, to me, destroys any amount of physical beauty. You can have an unlimited bank balance but if you are unable to find the kindness to help those less fortunate than you then, to me, you are the poorest person! Why are we allowing ourselves to be fooled into believing that the physical aspects of life are what make us beautiful; without inner depth, a good heart, a kind soul, the ability to see people for more than their outer layers then you cannot be considered beautiful. Beauty fades with age but your character does not.

Everyday I tell my daughter she is beautiful and she will grow up understanding that what she sees in the mirror does not control who she is. I will do my best to ensure she finds happiness in her mind, that she loves herself for her flaws and make sure she understands that she does not need anyone else to survive; how can we expect to find true love if we are unable to love the one person that we spend every second with, ourselves. Your flaws make us individual, our dreams give us reason to get up every morning and our mind gets us through anything the world can throw at us! It is time we start to see what beauty really is rather than the destructive idea that we are made to believe is beauty.

Wake up everyday, look in that mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful because believe me, you are!

La Vie Est Belle

We live in a society where the majority of what we are shown in the media, the way we view ourselves and in the majority of cases the way we treat each other is all negative. It is saddening to think that generation upon generation are being taught that this is acceptable; there is no wonder that the world is full of hatred, war and poverty, yet rather than working together to improve it, we as a human race are fuelling the fire.

Love and hatred our both taught behaviours so why are we allowing our children grow up with such strong feelings of hatred for one another. Surely as adults, especially parents, we should be doing all we can to nurture the children of this world to love one another whole-heartedly; without prejudice and judgment, there is only one human race and we are all apart of it. The colour of our skin, the person we love, the religion we do or do not , follow, the way we dress does not make us any less human. So why do we let ourselves judge a person by these insignificant aspects of our being; we are born in the same way! Love is, for the majority of us,  something we are blessed with from the moment of conception and it should be this love that we feel and exude everyday.

As cliché as it may sound our children are the future and it is our responsibility to give them the understanding and confidence to make a difference, to become the best that they can be and realise their worth. The birth of my daughter genuinely changed my life, not only did I become a mother but my whole outlook on life was altered. It is incredible how something so precious and vulnerable can completely alter a mother’s views on life and the world. I can put my hands up and say that I took life for granted, I wasted countless opportunities and very much lived in my own selfish little bubble; ignorance really is bliss and too many of us go through life with pure ignorance. Maybe that’s the easy way out if you can’t see the problems there is no reason to worry. The attitude that it isn’t our problem, it will never change and nothing I can do will make a difference is heard too much, yet there are very few people willing to change it.

Since becoming a mother I feel a responsibility to be more, to set an example and most of all, to teach my daughter her true worth is much deeper than what she sees in the mirror. I want her to see the world as a beautiful, inspiring place to exist; encourage her to treat everyone equally and understand that you don’t need to change the world to make a difference, tiny acts of kindness can be life changing to others. I look at the world in a completely different way it really is a beautiful place. Somebody very special entered my life recently and they have taught me that a positive mind really does create a positive existence. I dare you all to try it. The only person that can make your life the best it can be is you. Look around you and see the beauty in your surroundings rather than the ugliness we are made to believe; stand back to look at how lucky you are rather than wishing you had what everyone else has; admire the beauty of another human being within criticizing yourself. I dare you to change, to face your fear and make your dreams become a reality! The world is a beautiful place if you let yourself see it.

La Vie est Belle, Life is beautiful!!

Silent Clarity

When we make emotional judgments, we set up ripples in our minds. These ripples cause larger ripples and soon a storm is brewing. This storm disturbs the mind. In all this we lose touch with the silence in the mind, the peace within. It is only when we can calm these ripples that the mind can reside in its own silence, its own equanimous state. When the mind can rest in its own stillness it can see things as they are.’

Do you ever wonder what the world would be like if you were void of your senses. What if one day your perception of life was not dictated by the things you see, the sounds you hear or the objects you touch but instead you viewed the world through your own silent mind. Would that world differ to the one you are consciously present in now; would the one you love be the same; would the way you judged others alter; would you be living the same life that you do now. I genuinely believe that very few of us could honestly say yes!

We live in a world that is filled with noise, nothing we do in our daily lives is silent; everywhere we go there is noise whether we are consciously aware of it or not. There is always someone or something dictating our emotions at any given time and the worst part of it is we are completely oblivious the majority of the time. You may consider this ignorance, human nature or clever marketing from people higher than us everyday folk but whatever way you look at it there is not much we can do about it. If you look deeper than your senses, it is your mind that controls your thoughts, decisions and overall mindset and for many of us this is powered by our emotions. We are constantly making decisions and judgments that are powered by our emotions; unfortunately these emotional judgments are made through our own prejudices rather than purely rational thinking.

The quote above is from a Buddhist discussing the importance of freeing your mind from negative emotional judgment and allowing yourself to see the world with clarity; void of all anger, greed and confusion the way we perceive the world is completely altered. You begin to see the true beauty of others, our ability to find happiness is completely altered and we find our true senses rather than those we are made to believe!

So why is it we are afraid to find our own silence; the idea of being alone with your own thoughts is terrifying to most, me included, for our own mind can be the loudest of places to reside. However, once we learn to control that noise, your mind will be the most peaceful of places to escape to. Within these moments you will find clarity, simplicity and revelation; we all have the ability to find our silent mind; to improve our mindset and in turn completely alter our lives.

You may think all of this is pointless but I had a moment this weekend that really made me appreciate the silence; sat in the comfort of my home with somebody I can honestly say has changed my life for the better, I realised that for the first time in my life I am content. There were no words needed just the sounds of nature and the knowledge that we were there together was enough. It was in this silence that I began to understand myself a little bit more; the negativity that haunts me daily was fading; the fear that I was not good enough was slowly vanishing; the way I was thinking was changing and all that noise was muted. I am not saying I am anywhere near the state of a silent mind and I am sure there will be no point in my life that I will have the courage to fully get there. We all have different dreams, fears, opinions but we all want to find happiness. That happiness is down to you and until you become content with your own mind you will never fully reach it. The world can be a beautiful place if you let yourself see it.

Do you have the courage to find your clarity in your silence.