Do you ever feel like you’re not good enough, not the person you thought you were because others appear to perceive you differently. Question yourself everyday, why aren’t you good enough, why aren’t you more intelligent or more beautiful – yet all you seem to do is try and be more.
I battle this in my head daily. I try to smile and make people believe I have everything together, wear clothes to fit in and wear the makeup to try and make yourself feel more attractive. On occasion I even trick myself, some days I honestly believe I have it all together and that life is actually looking up. Everyday I try to be the nicest person I can be, I’ve been on the receiving end of cruel people and never would I allow myself to be like them or to make others feel the way they have made me feel! I truly try to be the best mother, friend, girlfriend, sister that I could be yet it appears I’m not quite who I think I am.
We’re all human and we all make mistakes; these mistakes enable us to grow and through the growth we become better but somehow I feel like I’m missing something. Relationships from the past and present are broken through my own faults, as if I’m drawing up the negative in my subconscious. Someone close to me once said when they met me they could sense a dark ‘aura’, that when they looked in my eyes it was as if I needed rescuing well I suppose this is my cry for help.
I have a lot of demons in my head many that I try to hide, many I deal with regularly in my nightmares and maybe the mask I thought I wore well is cracking. Maybe I’ve just met people that truly care and can see past it but I don’t know how to be better. The support I don’t know how to accept or use, my walls just make me defensive. People say that a positive mindset will change your life and I honestly believe that but creating that change is near impossible. The Angel and the devil in my head are at war and unfortunately the devil holds the upper hand still.
Don’t get me wrong I am one of the luckiest people in the world and I appreciate the life I have. I have a beautiful daughter, home, friendships, family and relationship yet I am unable to be comfortable or happy within my own head or skin. I go to the gym to escape, to make myself see that I am strong but it doesn’t make me love myself. I look in the mirror and feel disappointed. I try to make women see that beauty is within and that is my honest opinion yet when I look at myself I don’t see a beautiful person. I just see plain old me, nothing special. On the upside to this I work extra hard to make sure my daughter never grows up with these body issues which I know is not something I can control but I’ll work my hardest to prevent it. She will know her worth and that it does not stem from her appearance.
I am opinionated and passionate about many issues and I’m not afraid to voice that, maybe to the detriment of others feelings sometimes but that is my method of communication. My passion shows as aggression but I am as far from aggressive than is possible! It’s the way I was built and I do not know any different, getting others to understand that is hard and I’m a very closed book. It is a trait I am trying to change, I want to be more open, inside my head I’m screaming to let it all out but in afraid. Afraid that if those people I love dearly saw me the way I see myself that they would run a mile, I wouldn’t blame them.
All I can do is try to be more, to fight the battle against myself and hope that one day positivity will overcome the negative but until that day I guess I need to paint the mask a little thicker!